Devious Journal Entry

So, I am adapting to life "on the tank". It has lost its novelty and it is kind of an anchor at times because I am tethered to it pretty much all the time. The heat has sent my asthma completely over the edge and I am really struggling with certain things (also I need to remember to put my cannula on before getting up to pee in the night or general movement around in the day. I lost consciousness once. I don't wish to repeat that). I am struggling a bit with the whole "Palliative Care" pathway thing. I don't like to think about it as me dying. In fact even thinking about that is soul destroying, along with "[insert name here] has asthma and they aren't that bad, why are you different?" that some people seem to think I need to hear. Good for them. They obviously don't have BRITTLE asthma (think normal asthma x100 and with a nasty attitude problem) and they aren't going through what I am. I try and think about it that I am just waiting for the ultimate gift. I am not listed yet, but when the time comes, I will be.

I think I am getting close to another admission, but considering it has been 10 weeks since the last, I think that is pretty good going. The only problem is, I have managed to scare myself a bit when it comes to the hospital because I had only thought about the bad stuff (things like being left for 8 hours in agony and denied pain relief or being discharged when I wasn't medically fit only to be readmitted 3 weeks later) and I need to remind myself that the last admission was actually pretty good because I did get better over the days I was there AND they began my home oxygen treatment which has improved my quality of life.

Until then, I have to make do with what I have. My Sephiroth muse sends his regards and hopefully the story I started (Please Be OK) will be added to, I guess I hadn't really had the time when the real life stuff hit the fans. Obviously, hes going to show his illness who is boss and hopefully that will inspire me to do the same. I have been drawing too, but not really anything worth sharing at the moment, again I have been finding it difficult due to exhaustion (when you only have 40-50% of your lungs working at any time, small things seem like huge mountains) but I will get something up soon. I am drawing Yu-Gi-Oh related things at the moment as well as my ADIM illustrations and other things.

Also, you may have noticed that Loki (formally Lola when we thought he was a girl) has grown up to be a really handsome lad. Also we have 2 new guineas who are causing chaos and wheeking like mad. We did have 3 new guineas but sadly one of them passed away (RIP Scruffy) not long after we got them. However, Bumble and Tiggy are little snugglemonsters and are giving Tenzou a run for his money (Tenzou is nearly 3?!). I miss Kadaj and Gizzy because they were so sweet and loving and well, they do take a piece of me with them when they go.

I guess thats all I have to update right now. Thanks everyone for the support!